IT TAKES TWO to make a thing go right
This message is for anyone who is looking for love, already in a relationship, or newly single after a difficult breakup. Those who may feel frustrated in dating, struggling to make a relationship work, or repairing a broken heart. With the rise of social media along with being attached to our digital devices, it doesn’t make it any any of this easier. Isn’t it interesting how we now have greater access to each other yet we are much more disconnected when it comes to communication and understanding one another? We judge others from their profile photos, swipe right, overvalue and idealize, fall in love with words, trigger unhealthy attachment styles, then run away and ghost each other instead of having open and honest communication about how we truly feel. I miss the days of dating without social media. It’s wonderful to connect with others from all over the world, but far too often, people are taken for granted due to the fear of missing out on something better. With that said, below are some helpful tips that can help you navigate dating and relationships in the digital world.
“Love people, not things; use things, not people.”
Love has taught me so much about myself, especially loving relationships that didn’t work out and most difficultly, unrequited love. I’ve been in healthy long-term relationships that have lasted many years as well as toxic “situationships” where I learned hard but important lessons. I’ve made plenty of mistakes and have even stopped dating altogether to do some inner soul work and emotional healing. After putting in this work, I feel so much gratitude for everything, including those who have hurt me. The good and bad experiences have all shaped me into the woman that I have become and continue to evolve into.
Heal yourself first
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If you are hurting or still emotionally tied to someone else, then you probably shouldn’t be dating. It may not be easy to be alone, but if you’re not able to release the past and appreciate your own company, how can you be sure that you’re choosing someone out of love and not loneliness? Healing requires solitude. This is abstaining from flirtation, dating, sex, or any distraction that takes you away from truly healing yourself. Take the time to become intimate with yourself first before getting into any kind of relationship. Healing can take anywhere between a few months to a couple of years. However long it takes. Weak-minded individuals fear alone time. Strong-minded people embrace solitude and transmute it into a positive experience. If you don’t take the time to properly heal and get to know yourself, then another person or a relationship will only distract you from the work you need to complete to grow and evolve into the person you want to become. The longer you wait to do this work, the harder it will be. Some people keep changing partners to avoid changing and improving themselves. Don’t become this person. It will only make things difficult for both you and your potential partner. Two halves don’t make a whole. Two whole people who come together can create a healthy and long-lasting relationship. Learn how to heal from one person without needing another.
cultivate love from within
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Jack Kornfield said, “Have respect for yourself, and patience and compassion. With these, you can handle anything.” Think about it, if you don't love yourself properly, how can you properly love another human being? The most important relationship we will ever have is with ourselves. It’s wonderful to selflessly serve others, but when it comes at the expense of self-care or true happiness, then the work may be incomplete. We can achieve a peaceful world when each and every one of us cultivates true compassion within our own hearts.
“The relationship you have with yourself sets the tone for every relationship you will have in your life.”
How to properly love yourself:
Stop criticizing yourself. You are doing the best you can, self criticism doesn't help. You can find plenty of people out in the world to criticize you, don't be one of them.
Forgive yourself and let the past go. Holding on to it only keeps you stuck.
Connect with your inner child. Parent, support, and care for yourself.
Stop scaring yourself. Choose more positive, peaceful, hopeful, and optimistic thoughts.
Accept yourself now. Love your negatives and find new positive ways to fulfill those needs.
Be mindful of your thoughts.
Let go of expectations and a perfectionist mindset.
Work with a therapist or coach.
Don't wait until you have the perfect body, job, or partner, love yourself now as best as you possibly can, like your life depended on it, because it does!
learn your attachment style
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Humans are wired for attachment. Since the day we were born and started crying for the loving touch of our mothers. As we grow up, we learn how to form bonds with other people, and our early experiences with intimate relationships heavily impact how we approach attachment in the future. Our attachment style starts with how our parents related to us, then we are shaped further by other experiences with friends, teachers, and the first romantic relationships we have. The four attachment styles are:
Secure – Autonomous. Low on avoidance and low on anxiety. These people are comfortable with intimacy and not worried about rejection or preoccupied with the relationship. It is easy for them to get close with others, and they are comfortable depending on them and having them depend on me. They don’t worry about being abandoned or about someone getting too close to them.
Avoidant – Dismissing. High on avoidance and low on anxiety. These people are uncomfortable with closeness and primarily values independence and freedom. They are usually not worried about partner’s availability. They are uncomfortable getting close with others. They find it difficult to trust and depend on others and prefer that others do not depend on them. It is very important that that they feel independent and self-sufficient. Their partner typically wants them to be more intimate than they are comfortable being.
Anxious – Preoccupied. Low on avoidance and high on anxiety. These people crave closeness and intimacy with others and are very insecure about their relationship. They want to be extremely emotionally close with others, but others are reluctant to get as close as they would like. They often worry that their partner doesn’t love or value them and will abandon them. Their inordinate need for closeness tends to scare people away.
Disorganized (both Anxious and Avoidant) – Unresolved. High on avoidance and high on anxiety. These people are uncomfortable with intimacy and worried about partner’s commitment and love. They are uncomfortable getting close to others and find it difficult to trust and depend on them. They worry I they will get hurt if they get close to their partner.
You can learn more about attachment styles in relationships from the following books below.
“If you do not address your childhood traumas, your romantic relationships will. ”
you are worthy
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Believe it. It’s true. We all are worthy and deserving of true love. If you don’t believe this, then how can it show up in your life? Many of us lack this fundamental belief due to unresolved emotional trauma (typically stemming from childhood) which is why it is crucial that we heal ourselves as best as we can prior to dating or getting into a relationship with another person. Most importantly before bringing a child into this world. Self-worth is determined from within and your worth has absolutely no bearing on someone else’s actions including whether they love you or not.
“It’s not about finding love, you are love itself.”
True love is a mutual ecstasy that two partners share who feel happy, safe, respected, and deeply connected, not just on a physical level but a soul level as well. It’s hard to explain what true love is because it can only be felt with the heart. Love is actually a feeling or vibration and experiencing this can certainly change your life. If what you are experiencing is pain, suffering, and fear, then this is not in fact, true love.
true love comes from understanding
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Four elements of true love within Buddhism:
Loving-kindness (maitri) – The desire to offer happiness.
Compassion (karuna) – The desire to remove suffering from another person.
Joy (mudita) – The desire to bring joy to the people around you.
Equanimity (upeksha) – The desire to accept everything and not to discriminate.
True love is not found, it’s built over time through a healthy practice of these four elements which can bring lifelong happiness to each partner. If you cannot offer happiness to another, if you cannot be compassionate or bring joy to another, and accept them as they are without wanting to change them, then you will not be able to love another person properly.
“In true love, you attain freedom.”
Your worth is not up for negotiation. You deserve to find true love so believe that it is possible for you otherwise you will end up attracting someone who doesn’t love you, nonetheless, understand how to love. If you feel as if you are not worthy enough for true love, then you will always end up accepting far less than you deserve.
choose wisely
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Your life is a product of the choices that you make. To find the right partner, you need to choose the right partner, not only who aligns with your values and goals, but who has healthy attributes such as:
Respect: Someone who deeply admires and appreciates who you are.
Trust: Someone who takes full responsibility for their life, who is reliable, consistent, has integrity, and aligns their words with their actions.
Communication: Someone who openly communicates and listens with intent.
Unconditional love: Someone who gives love without condition or expecting anything in return.
Maturity: Someone with emotional sensitivity and who has manners in all situations (especially when upset or inconvenienced).
Emotional intelligence: Someone who has the capacity to be aware of, control, and express their emotions. They handle interpersonal relationships both judiciously and empathetically.
Self-Confidence: Someone who trusts in their own abilities, qualities, and judgment.
Independence: Someone who has their own life, hobbies, and interests outside of the relationship and who respects your own space.
Honesty: Someone who tells the truth and doesn’t hide things, even if it may upset you or someone else.
Relationship standards are the minimum requirements that you need from someone to be happy and fulfilled within a relationship. The most dangerous time in dating is the moment you decide that you like someone because that’s when you may start to justify their behavior or compromise your own standards just to keep them around. A lot of the people who have not clearly defined their standards tend to accept whatever comes their way which can be the quickest way to become disappointed. Stay strong and hold yourself accountable to what you say that you want in life and out of a partner. Find the courage to wait for what you deserve. Don’t raise your expectations of others, raise your standards so you make the right choice.
get comfortable with rejection
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Rejection happens to everyone, and often. If someone can walk away from you, then let them. I know this feeling can be hard to accept but you must always remain strong and hopeful. Consider the Law of Compensation: What you reap, you shall sow. You will never be good enough for the wrong person. Even if you “thought” you were a great match, the other person failed to notice what you have to offer. The right person is always the person who chooses you, not just the person who has all of the great qualities that you like. If the people you are attracting and meeting somehow do not resonate with your personal goals or desires, then you will be rejected every time by default. Remember that this has absolutely nothing to do with you personally because people all have different preferences and may want different things than you do. There’s no possible way that we can be a match with every single person in this world so please do not let any form of rejection shake your self-worth.
“An honest rejection is better than a false promise.”
Rejection has more to do with the person doing the rejecting than the person who is being rejected. If you feel that you are a good person and gave it your all, then the experience would not be a loss but a gain. It’s a numbers game too. Sometimes you need to come across 20 people to say no before you can get that 1 person to say maybe, and about 10 maybes until you get that one definitive, YES. The goal in dating isn’t to to find as many people who will want you, it’s about finding the right one who also wants you too.
“When it comes to dating, relationships, and love, it should either be a hell yes or a hell no!”
Rejection can come out of the blue when you least expect it too. We live in a time where people get a constant supply of new prospective matches and this doesn’t exclude you. You could be the juiciest, sweetest, most delicious mango in the world and there will always be someone out there who doesn’t like mangoes. People can only meet you based on their own consciousness and understanding. Just because someone cannot meet you on your level does not mean that they are rejecting you. You may be redirected to an even better match that is more suited for you with amazing qualities that you may haven’t even thought of yet. Shift your perspective. If you are experiencing rejection right now, just keep your chin up and never stop believing in true love. Attracting what you want always starts with belief, so never forget your true worth despite any form of rejection.
“Every time I thought I was being rejected from something good, I was actually being re-directed to something better. ”
action over words
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If you’re going to judge someone, judge them according to their actions, not their words. Words are simply vibrations of sound emitted into the air. Words will tell you what a person wants, but actions show you who they really are. People love to talk about what they’re going to do, especially in the beginning stage of a relationship, so take note and see how many times they actually follow through. If they come up empty handed with many broken promises, then you will know what kind of person you’re dealing with. People who are inconsistent (hot or cold) are simply showing you their level of emotional intelligence. For example, people who will keep you around and only give you a small amount of attention, also known as “breadcrumbs”, then put you back on the shelf while they continue to shop the market to see if they can find something better. If they can’t find something better, they usually come back around to check and see if you still care about them anytime they need love. Would you want to be someone’s second choice? Someone who is all talk and never backs up their actions with their words? I certainly would not. This is why the best apology is not words, but changed behavior.
how people treat you is how they feel about you
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People won’t always tell you how they feel about you, but they will certainly show you how they feel with their actions. If someone wants you in their life, then they will never leave you second guessing or wondering how they feel inside. Please take any mixed signals or inconsistency as a “no”, even if your feelings for them are strong. A lot of us get into the habit of letting our feelings take over reality. I’ve struggled with this for many years. People can invoke feelings of love without actually loving you causing you to create a fantasy or idealization about them. If a person is truly interested in you and loves you, then they will put in the effort, show up, and make time for you. When you meet the right person. you will both be confident and calm about the relationship, not constantly worried or uncertain. The right kind of love will never put you through any emotional highs and lows as we see in movies or romance novels.
expectations always lead to disappointment
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William Shakespeare said it best, “Expectation is the root of heartache”. Unmet expectations often lead to the full range of negative emotions such as fear, anger, disappointment, jealousy, annoyance, bitterness, resentment, envy, and insecurities. People become unhappy in dating because they expect and assume others to love and treat them the same way they would without clearly communicating their needs. When getting to know someone, get to know how they both show and receive love. If you haven’t read the 5 Love Languages, I highly recommend reading it. Each language has a different way of expressing love. When you learn your partner's primary love language, especially your own, will help create a stronger bond in your relationship. Below are the 5 Love Languages:
Words of Affirmation
Quality Time
Physical Touch
Acts of Service
Receiving Gifts
invest in those who invest in you
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Don’t invest in a person based on how much you like or love them. Invest in a person who also invests in you. Someone can like or love you with all of their feelings but may not be able to express their emotions properly through communication or action. I get it. We tend to like those who play hard to get because we think that is a high value individual, which may or not not be true. Either way, over investing in someone who hasn’t invested back in you is definitely a recipe for heartbreak.
“Your emotional return of investment is just not enough. ”
Think of dating and relationships as a teeter totter from your old childhood playground. When each of you get on and invest equal effort into the beam, you will achieve balance. The is the goal in all relationships. When one person exerts more energy than the other, then the balance is off. Meet people where they are at with equal investment. Equal effort equates to more healthy and balanced relationships.
sometimes love isn’t enough
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A tough reality is that two people can be completely in love with each other but still not be compatible together. A healthy and balanced relationship not only requires love but also a lot of forgiveness, patience, space, support, trust, and respect. Compatibility is the strongest essence of a pure loving relationship. This includes happiness, kindness, peace, joy, laughter, and mutual understanding from both parties. When you choose to create a bond with someone, it’s important that your core values also align and match up with theirs. Get to know how your person of interest handles conflict, how they communicate their needs, what they’re like on their bad days, how they handle money, etc. Knowing these qualities are extremely important before moving forward and investing more of your heart. This is why I say that love is easy but making an actual relationship work long term takes a lot of energy and hard work. Make sure you find the right person who will put in the work with you and who isn’t there for the relationship benefits only. This is why it’s crucial to not act like a husband or wife to someone you’re not married or seriously committed to.
“Love is easy, relationships take work.”
Relationships always start off with a period of idealization, infatuation, and romanticism but this fades away over time as we get to know people especially since people default back to their comfort zones. This is a normal and natural progression of a long term relationship. So how do you steer clear of those who are only interested in the benefits of a relationship? Keep reading. The next tip is extremely important.
raw and real communication
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Real talk. The biggest relationship killer is when games are played and feelings are hidden. Be honest, up front, and direct with what you want out of a relationship. Tell people, “For this to work for me, this is what I need.” If you’re not interested in anything serious, then say it. Don’t lead someone on just so you can get the sexual benefits of a relationship. You can’t expect someone to read your mind and give you exactly what it is that you want. When you do this, you give away your power and put your happiness into the hands of others. If you have specific needs, then state them otherwise you will become miserable anytime they are not met.
“A little communication goes a long way. If you’re busy, say it. If you’re upset, express it. If you’re running late, let people know. If you don’t want to do something, be straigtforward. If you’re unsure, ask. It’s so simple but so important. ”
I know it can be scary to put yourself and your truth out on the line but isn’t it even more scary to waste time and energy on someone who cannot meet your basic needs and standards? My married friend always asks me if the people I’m talking to are single. She reminds me that because someone is flirting with you or taking you out on dates doesn’t mean there isn’t anyone else in the picture.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions. This helps you to avoid wasting time. Learn more about who people really are before you invest more of your time with them. If you don’t ask, then you’ll never know and if you always have to second guess, decode, constantly consult your friends for advice on how to figure out how someone feels about you, chances are that you do not have healthy communication with them.
If you ever find yourself in a disagreement with the wrong partner, this will always turn into an argument, but a disagreement with a divine partner will turn into a conversation, which leads to changed behavior or a solution. When communicating with your partner, always lead with love instead of ego or the need to always be right. Relationships require a lot of compromising.
be with someone who you don’t want to change,
at all
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We all want other people around us to change to make us feel comfortable but this is not what true love is. True love is loving without condition and loving the other person exactly as they are with all of their flaws, bad habits, and emotional traumas. The only way that a relationship will work out long term is if you have fallen in love with who they are right now, not the potential of what they could be.
“A healthy relationship is based on two principles. First, appreciate your similarities and second, respect your differences.”
The problem many of us face is that we start off our relationships banking on another person’s potential instead of their current actuality so intern we end up fantasizing or idealizing the other person. Remember, you are not a rehabilitation center for poorly raised people. It is not your job to fix, parent, raise, or change someone. You want a partner, not a project. I find that when I accept myself completely, I tend to accept others completely as they are too. There’s no need to put someone on a pedestal or idealize them the way you want them to be. Love people as they are and you will start to find more love around you.
you are what you attract
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Everyone is always trying to find the right person but very few are trying to be the right person. Dr. Wayne Dyer taught that “you don’t get what you want, you get what you are.” That is the quickest way to manifest love and all of your desires in life. Don’t fall into love either, rise into it and become it. Everyone puts a lot of time and effort into finding the right partner, but what needs to be done first is to be the right partner first. Don’t expect to attract your ideal companion without matching up with the exact qualities you are looking for. I recommend creating a list of your ideal partner and then checking to see where you show up on that list. You may have some things to work on before the right person comes into your life.
“Perhaps the biggest mistake I’ve made in the past was that I believed love was about finding the right person. Don’t look for the person you want to spend your life with. Become the person you want to spend your life with. ”
Always find love within in yourself first. If you don’t find a way to love yourself properly, then you will more than likely have problems loving someone else. We have to experience it ourselves first then overflow with love so we can share it with others. Don’t forget to fall in love with life itself. This is how you will attract the right people and experiences into your life. Below are a few books that I recommend to read if you want to get into the right space prior to attracting love.
comparison is the theif of joy
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Do not get in the habit of comparing yourself or your relationship with other people and other relationships, especially online. Social media is not real life simply because people only post the highlight reels of their life. We are all a little crazy so there is no competition on who lives a better life. Every single person on this planet is wonderfully unique and beautiful so there really is no comparison. People tend to fear commitment because they think there may be something better out there. The grass isn’t greener on the other side, it only becomes greener when you water it. When you focus on others’ “grass”, you neglect the care of your own. The only way to grow is to tend and care for yourself and your relationship so don’t bring in your old fears from your prior relationships into your new ones. You have to let those go. Fear does not belong in healthy, loving relationships.
“The fastest way to kill something special is to compare it to something else. ”
If you’re trying to start something new with someone, then leave both your past and your exes behind in the past where they belong. Comparing your own relationship to another or a romantic ideal will make you feel like your relationship is coming up short. Nobody can become an “ideal” because it doesn't exist, it only exists in someone’s mind, which is created through expectations and we already know that all expectation lead to disappointment. Stop comparing what you don’t have and start appreciating what you do have.
love is always a choice
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Love is not only a feeling that we hold inside, but an actual commitment of love through action. After time passes, the butterflies and newness of a relationship can start to fade after you’ve been together for many years. This is the natural progression of a relationship yet people tend to quit when this infatuation and idealization period is over. This is where true love is tested and we need to choose it everyday when we are in a relationship with someone.
“Relationships won’t heal you and being single won’t kill you. ”
Relationships are not always about the other person, they are essentially about ourselves relating to others while supporting them to become the best version of themselves. If you find yourself single and searching for a life partner, then take advantage of the time you have to yourself and focus on your own personal growth so you can become better and attract better. I will leave you with this video (above) from my favorite lightworker, Mooji.
“Never go in search of love, go in search of life, and life will find you the love you seek.”
